Paralysis
by chibijem
Summary: Tomomasa deals with being paralyzed.....


Paralysis

By

Chibijem

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters herein and am making no financial gain from this work of fiction.

A/N: Be warned, this work of fiction deals with the psychology of someone dealing with a serious injury. There is mention of attempted suicide as well.

"He has no feeling in his legs." The Imperial physician told the assembled group.

"You are mistaken?" The Emperor asked, shock on his face.

"Iie, Okami. He awoke when I was examining him and he cannot feel nor move his legs. Sumanai."

"Is…..is there anything we can do?" Fujiwara no Takamichi asked, trying to control his raging emotions.

"He needs to keep a positive outlook, there are also some therapies that may help." The elderly man responded. "You all need to keep him as active as possible, make sure he remains strong, in both body and in mind."

"Sensei, is his condition permanent?" Tenma asked.

"His other injuries are not serious. The blow he took to the back did not break the skin and there is mainly bruising and swelling at the site. We shall have to wait and see."

"Does he know?" Inori inquired.

"I could not keep it from him." The healer started. "He became quite agitated when I hesitated and I had to tell him the truth about his condition." He stood and started out. "Keep his attitude positive, time will tell. I will return later this evening."

Akane sank to the floor, Yorihisa caught her and clasped her to his strong chest. "Why? Why must he suffer so?"

"It is fate. Warriors know the risks and we all accept them." The samurai said into her soft hair, pressing a kiss against the pink locks.

"Ne, Akane-chan? Miracles do happen." Shimon told her, trying to lift everyone's spirits.

"Arigatou, Shimon-kun." She sniffed.

"I shall visit the temple to offer prayers." Eisen stood and bowed to the others. His brother, the Emperor, followed him out.

"I shall make some wards to promote healing." Yasuaki added.

Takamichi turned anguished eyes to Akane and the others who remained. "I…..I shall go to him." He took one step and fell to his knees.

"Takamichi-san!" Akane called out as Tenma and Inori knelt next to the heartbroken man. They sat back, stunned, when the green haired Hachiyo beat his fists against the floorboards.

"It should be me. It should have been me!!" He cried out.

"Takamichi-san," The Ryuujin no Miko crawled to him and took him in her arms. "He was doing what he always does: protects those he loves." When gold eyes lifted to stare at her, she smiled and wiped away his tears. "He will need all of us to be strong, we all have to support him no matter what happens."

"Hai, Miko-dono. Arigatou." Takamichi took his glasses off, dried them, slipped them back on and stood. "I shall sit with him."

"I know you will. Let us know if there's anything you need." She got to her feet as well. "I'll come check on you later."

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Takamichi stood in the open shoji and saw his partner staring off into space. He took a few steps toward Tomomasa and called out; when he received no response he tried again. He knelt next to the injured man and studied him. The fall of long, teal hair hid Tomomasa's face from him. "Is there anything I can get you?" Again, no answer was forthcoming. "Sensei says you need to keep active."

"And what does he care?" Came the soft reply. "How will that help me?" Dejection coloring every word.

Takamichi was taken aback by his friend's change in attitude. "You must stay positive, Tomomasa." When the eldest Hachiyo made a scoffing sound, the vice minister laid a hand on one, yukata clad arm. "Sensei thinks with time….."

"Will I be able to use my legs?"

"He would not commit to it." The younger of the Byakko duo finally answered. "But there is hope. He said there was no damage other than some swelling and bruising."

"I am of no use to anyone like this."

"That is not true." Takamichi moved closer and bent so he could see Tomomasa's anguished features. "You are still alive, you can think and talk. You have so much to give; you can teach, advise….."

"I am, or was, the General of the Left Imperial Guard. I cannot complete my duties as I am now. I cannot do what I trained for. There is nothing left for me. Nothing."

"You are wrong!" Takamichi took Tomomasa's strong shoulders in his hands and gently shook him. "You have me; I will never abandon you, never! Then there's Miko-dono, who is beside herself with worry over you, the other Hachiyo….You have so many people waiting to help you, who want to and will support you."

"And if I don't want it?" Tomomasa lifted his head revealing anger, depression, self loathing and tears in the teal depths of his eyes.

Takamichi felt fear rush through him, "It does not matter. We will be here for you, will do anything to see you healed if not whole. Don't you see, it does not matter whether you are able to walk or not. It's your heart and mind that are important to us."

"Leave me."

"Tomomasa?"

"LEAVE ME!" The scream had Akane and the others running to the room.

"I will leave you for the moment. But I will remain here." Takamichi stood and bent at the waist; "Aishteru, Tomomasa," he whispered into one red earring clad ear. He then stepped through the crowd and sat on the steps, mere feet away from the angst-ridden Chi no Byakko.

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Akane approached the green haired vice minister who had not left his post outside Tomomasa's room. "I brought you a snack. You did not eat lunch."

"Gomen ne, Miko-dono. I am not very hungry."

"You need to keep up your strength. Dealing with Tomomasa's grief will take everything we have."

"He's hurting and unsure."

"His world has been turned upside down, he doesn't know what to think or how to feel. He needs time." Akane told him as she watched him nibble on some onigiri.

"I know; it is hard to see him like this. I am so used to seeing him smiling and enjoying all of life, teasing all of us." Takamichi gazed into the teacup he now held. "I need him happy and smiling. He keeps me from losing myself in my books and duties."

"I think he does that for all of us. His zest for life is contagious." Akane smiled gently. "We shall make sure he retains it."

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Takamichi set the evening meal on the low table next to Tomomasa, "You should eat."

"There's no point."

The vice minister held out the chopsticks, "You need to keep up your strength." When the general ignored the eating utensils, Takamichi picked up a bite and held it up to his friend's lips. The wounded man just turned his head away. "Tomomasa, don't give up. It is still early yet in the healing process." He saw teal eyes move to look at him. "You definitely will not heal unless you eat." He reminded his companion. He gave a satisfied smile when Tomomasa accepted the bite of food and taking the chopsticks, began eating.

After they finished the meal, Takamichi managed to give Tomomasa a sponge bath, much to the annoyed general's chagrin. Before the injured Hachiyo put the yukata back on, the green haired vice minister worked some medicinal lotion into his injured back. "I don't know why you bother."

"It could not hurt and Sensei instructed us to apply it."

"You are wasting your time." Tomomasa countered.

Takamichi sat back on his heels, wiping his hands; he sighed. "You are not a waste of my time." He moved to sit before his disconsolate partner. "You were the one who taught me friends are never a waste of time and that I needed people and not just books and scrolls. Do you remember?" At Tomomasa's tiny nod, he went on. "Those words are true for you as well. Don't close us out. Don't close me out. We are all here for you. I know you are confused and hurting and not just physically. Let me help you. I will not abandon you." Takamichi's words carried so much emotion, one could almost reach out and touch it.

"I…..I just…..I don't want to see you tied down with someone like me." Grief was evident in Tomomasa's usually smooth voice.

"I would be and am proud to be tied to you." The younger Byakko holder leaned his forehead against the elder's. "You need to rest. It has been a long day; tomorrow will be better."

"Takamichi?" Tomomasa asked as the vice minister pulled the covers around them. "I'm still unsure….."

"Hai," the young Hachiyo replied, setting his glasses on the table. "We will work things out." He settled his head on the bolster. A few minutes passed and he could feel Tomomasa's agitation. "Try to relax."

"I'm…..I'm…afraid."

Takamichi had waited all day to hear those words. "I know you are. I am too; but we cannot let the fear dictate our lives."

"I feel lost."

"That's normal," Takamichi rolled onto his side so he could look at his friend. "Everything you have been feeling is completely normal. Miko-dono and Shimon-dono have been telling me about something called 'psychology' and you are taking the steps in recovery and healing." He extended a hand and cupped Tomomasa's angular jaw. "They also told me of people who had similar injuries who regained use of their legs."

"Honto?"

The vice minister could see the hope flare in the general's eyes. "Hai, but not everyone." He admitted, not wanting to give false hope. "Time will be the judge. So you must set your mind to walking and healing, ne?"

"I will try."

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The next days were very trying as Tomomasa struggled with his confinement and everyone else attempting to keep his attitude positive. The healer had visited each day, commenting on the general's progress and giving new instructions on his care. Takamichi could see Tomomasa was hiding what he really felt, not wanting to alarm the others; but the eldest Hachiyo would disclose his emotions and fears during their nightly talks.

Takamichi looked up from the book he was reading when he heard the commotion in the courtyard. He stood and looked out to see Yorihisa being helped up the stairs. When Tomomasa asked what was happening, the vice minister said he would go take a look and return soon. Tomomasa sat with a vexed expression and wished with everything in him he could check for himself. He mentally paced while awaiting his partner's return. He looked up when a shadow fell over him; Takamichi looked troubled. "What is it?"

"Yorihisa-san was injured trying to stop some men from kidnapping Miko-dono."

"Kuso! I was supposed to accompany them today." Tomomasa slammed his fist against the floor in frustration. "What good am I if I cannot even perform my duties as a Hachiyo?!"

"Tomomasa-dono." He rested a comforting hand on the general's shoulder but it was angrily shrugged off. "We have all come to you these past days for your advice and knowledge. That is as important as physical action."

"You say that now, but what will happen when only seven Hachiyo are not enough? You would all be better off without me." Tomomasa shut his eyes tightly. "I should have died in that attack."

"Do not ever think that." The vice minister told the teal haired Hachiyo, his voice firm and angry. "How can you even say such a thing. You are a man who relishes all life has to offer, who makes sure the rest of us don't forget to do the same. You taught me that!" Takamichi cried out, Tomomasa's words and manner frightening him.

"That man died the day of the attack." The reply was flat and emotionless.

"He didn't; he is just confused and afraid." The younger Byakko holder countered. He could see Tomomasa closing himself off and tried another tactic. "If you die, so will I."

Teal eyes widened and met gold, "Takamichi….."

"It is true. Without you…." He could not continue; all the pent up emotions spewing forth, choking him.

Tomomasa raised a loving hand and cupped his companion's cheek, making the younger man raise tear filled eyes. "Gomen ne, Takamichi."

"Iie, you don't need to be sorry." He laid his own hand over the general's.

Tomomasa smiled softly, "You'd best check on Yorihisa and the others." At the bespectacled man's look, he nodded. "I'll be fine. Go on." When he left, Tomomasa shook his head sadly, "Gomen nasai, Takamichi, minna." He moved himself across the room using his arms to a cabinet and pulled out Takamichi's tanto.

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"Yorihisa? Daijoubu desu ka?" The vice minister asked, coming into the room. He saw the samurai stripped to the waist, the Miko wiping away the blood on one, strong shoulder.

"Hai, heki desu. Arigatou, Takamichi-dono." Yorihisa replied, wincing as Akane was a touch to rough in her cleansing.

"Have you sent men to investigate?"

"Hai, the guards have already caught one man and he's been taken to be questioned."

"Takamichi-san? How is Tomomasa-dono today?" Akane asked as she began wrapping her bodyguard's shoulder.

"He was better but once he heard about your return and I mentioned Yorihisa's condition….."

"It will take time. He will have mood swings for a while." Shimon reported, handing Akane another wrap.

"Hai, I think I managed to deal with this one. He apologized."

"Apologized?"

"He said he was sorry."

"About his behavior?"

"Iie, not exactly."

Akane turned worried eyes and met Shimon's. They both looked at the Byakko holder. "Ano, there's something we did not tell you. Some of those who suffer injuries similar to Tomomasa-san's well….they…." She left the rest hanging and she saw the comprehension in Takamichi's gold eyes. She watched as he ran out of the room. She turned to Tenma, nodded and watched as he, too, ran from the room.

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Takamichi leapt up the steps to find the room he shared with Tomomasa empty and the cabinet door, which held their clothes and other belongings, open. He crossed to it and immediately noticed his tanto was missing. He turned on one heel and saw Tenma, "My blade is missing. I…."

"We'll find him, Takamichi."

The two split up, Takamichi searching the gardens. Gold eyes swept the area and not finding his errant partner kept moving. _He could not have gone far, could he? What is he thinking,_ he thought as he moved up the path to the bridge. What he saw, froze his heart and his feet. Tomomasa sat next to the structure, upper body bared to the sun and the blade he held glinting in the daylight. "YAMERU!" Takamichi screamed, his feet taking flight. He grabbed the weapon by the blade, cutting his hand, before the general could plunge it into himself. Heart pounding from fear and exertion, Takamichi fell to his knees; fighting to keep his grip on the tanto. "Iie!"

"It would be better for everyone…." Tomomasa struggled against his friend, tears of frustration on his face.

"Not in my eyes." Takamichi fought to keep a hold of the tanto, his own blood dripping off his fingers and trailing down his arm.

"Let me do this, onegaishimasu." The wounded man begged.

"I will not! It's been less than a week since you were hurt. You need to be patient."

"I cannot force you, everyone….." Tomomasa argued.

"You are not forcing me or anyone else." Takamichi met the teal gaze and saw something that gave him hope. "Stop this foolishness and give yourself more time. Do it for me." He pleaded, knowing that Tomomasa hated to see any of his friends hurting.

Just then Tenma rushed through the foliage and stopped when he saw the two men fighting for possession of the blade. He turned angry eyes on the oldest Hachiyo. "Baka!" He yelled at Tomomasa. "You want the easy way out?! I thought you were stronger than this." He sneered. The young Seiryu went on, seeing confusion on the heartbroken man's face and knew he was making headway. "If you were as tough as everyone tells me you are, you would keep fighting. You would turn this into something positive, would find a way to make things work. But I guess you're just weak."

"Tenma," Takamichi implored.

"He needs to hear things straight. I'm not going to cushion things just because he's feeling sorry for himself." the orange haired teen explained.

"Tenma is correct, Takamichi-dono," Yorihisa said approaching them, leaning against Akane.

Akane handed the samurai over to his partner and knelt next to the Byakko duo; she noticed the blood covering Takamichi's hands and for an instant thought the general had harmed himself. She then realized the vice minister had stopped the tanto with his hand; she smiled tenderly at her green haired Hachiyo, knowing his deep feelings for Tomomasa. "You don't really want this, Tomomasa-san." She said, laying her hand over both of theirs, still clutching the sharp weapon, not caring about the vice minister's blood coating her palm.

"I….don't….will not…be a burden to any of you." The general got out, tears in his voice.

"Isn't that our decision to make?" Was the Miko's soft and gentle reply. "You would never be a burden to anyone."

"How can I….."

"We will find a way to make things work should the worst happen."

"Tomomasa, listen to her. You know Miko-dono is right." Takamichi felt strong fingers loosening and caught his tanto and handed it to Tenma. "None of us will abandon you. You are so very precious to all of us."

At this Tomomasa collapsed into Takamichi's arms, drained. "Honto ni gomen nasai, minna." He whispered. He looked up into golden eyes, an apology in his jeweled eyes for hurting his partner. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…." Tomomasa's voice was soft, harsh and full of regret for hurting the one most cherished by him.

The vice minister cradled his dearest friend to him, feeling the exhaustion of the general's ordeal pulling at him. "We need to get you back." He winced slightly as Akane took a cloth out of her pocket and wrapped his wounded hand, the blood soaking it. He then smiled at Tenma, who had surrendered Yorihisa back to Akane, as the young man took one of Tomomasa's arms and helped Takamichi support the general between them.

After getting Tomomasa settled into a futon and seeing him sink into slumber, Takamichi went out onto the walkway and took a deep breath._ Too close, we came way too close, _he thought. He tuned the corner and found everyone waiting. "Arigatou, minna." His words sincere. He looked tenderly at the Ryuujin no Miko as she took his bloody hand and began to treat the wound.

"Will he be alright?" Fuji-hime asked, concern in her purple eyes.

"I believe so. I bandaged his hands, they were scratched and scraped a bit. I will speak to him when he wakes." Takamichi looked out into the peaceful gardens. "I will make sure there is no repeat of today." He promised.

"Are you alright?" Tenma inquired.

"Hai," Takamichi raised and studied his now wrapped hand. "This was worth it." He told everyone. "I think Tomomasa-dono has had a change of heart and mind."

"If you need any of us…." Akane offered.

"Hai, arigatou."

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The sun was setting, turning the sky to fire, when Tomomasa began rousing. Takamichi looked up from the book he was reading. He smiled when teal eyes caught his gaze. "Feeling better?"

Tomomasa raised a sore hand and rubbed his brow, "Sumanai," he replied.

"What you did….It was foolish."

"I'm beginning to believe that."

"Good."

"Takamichi, I…"

"I'm not finished," the vice minister interrupted. "You frightened me. Do you know my heart stopped when I saw you sitting with the tanto pointed at your abdomen? I cannot even begin….." He slipped his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Promise you will never do such a thing again." He demanded.

"Yakusoku," Tomomasa answered earnestly. "Tenma was right; I was taking the easy way. I'm a soldier, a fighter. I need to look on this as another fight."

"Hai," Takamichi moved to Tomomasa's side and took a hand in his. "And you have many allies to help."

"I will win this battle." Tomomasa vowed. He tilted his head and teal met gold, sealing the promise. His gaze turned to Takamichi's bandage. "Your hand?

"It will heal," the younger of the Byakko duo replied. Seeing the guilt in the oldest Hachiyo's eyes, he tightened his grip on Tomomasa's hand. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. This," he raised his wounded hand. "This is well worth it. To see you in a much better frame of mind and ready for the challenge, made this little cut worth the price." He told the general, lifting the strong hand he held and pressing a kiss to the knuckles..

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Two weeks passed and everyone was gathered in the gardens, enjoying the last of the autumn's warm nights. Fuji-hime and the Ryuujin no Miko planned a picnic dinner and now they were all sitting near the pond, replete after the meal. Tomomasa was indeed, healing, but still had nagging doubts. When he looked to be dwelling too much on things, whomever was near would turn his attention to other matters. Even the Emperor was helping; he had sent some reading and ordered his general to prepare a report with suggestions on repairs and new defenses Kyou needed.

Takamichi was listening to Yasuaki and Eisen's debate on a religious matter when he happened to look down and see Tomomasa absently rubbing his leg. "Tomomasa, what are you doing?" His voice shook and that caused everyone to turn their attention to the two men.

"What?" He followed Takamichi's gaze to his leg. "My leg aches." He answered distractedly. It took mere seconds for his own words to register. "My leg aches," he repeated, awe on his face.

Takamichi sat upon his knees and laid his hands on the general's long legs and rubbed. "Can you feel that?" He asked, hope blooming.

"I…..can." He finally replied, tears filling his jeweled eyes. "Kami-sama, I can feel it." He looked up at the stars twinkling in the night sky, his tears sliding down his cheeks and into his thick, wavy hair. To him it looked as if they were celebrating for him. He looked down into equally tearful golden eyes. "Your hands feel wonderful, Takamichi." He leaned down and pressed warm lips to Takamichi's as the others celebrated around them.

Hours later, they were settled in their room, exhausted from the impromptu celebration. Tomomasa watched as Takamichi shed his glasses and removed the clip from his long, green hair. The new scar on his palm shined in the lamplight. "Gomen ne, Takamichi. I was…..lost in my grief….I didn't realize…." The teal eyes shimmered with wetness and guilt. "I hope you know I would never….." His words were stopped when Takamichi laid a finger over his lips.

"I know. For all your life experiences and battlefield skirmishes, you are still the most gentle man I know. As I told you before, this wound was worth it. I think of it as proof of saving your life….and mine. If you die, I die with you." He leaned towards his companion and met Tomomasa's waiting lips.

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A few short days later, Tomomasa was braced between Yorihisa and Tenma, with Takamichi in front of him. It had been a struggle to keep Tomomasa from charging ahead with trying to walk the morning following the picnic. The physician had finally given permission and instructions on how to begin and now everyone was braced as Tomomasa stood propped between the Seiryu partners, intense concentration on his striking face. "Slowly, don't force yourself." The green haired Hachiyo warned. He watched as his partner carefully moved a foot forward; he looked up into Tomomasa's triumphant face and smiled. "One step at a time."

"Hai." The general moved another foot forward.

It took most of the afternoon but Tomomasa had managed to make it up and down the walkway; most of Fuji-hime's household and the other Hachiyo there to lend their support. He vowed to walk on his own within the week.

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Exactly seven days later, Tomomasa, Takamichi, Akane, Yorihisa, Tenma and Eisen were outside the Imperial audience chamber. Tomomasa was sitting, rolling the cane he still used, against the bench.

"Stop fidgeting." The vice minister ordered.

"I'm nervous."

"Tomomasa-san, this is like every other visit with Okami." Akane reminded him.

"This is the first day I've walked on my own without Tenma and Yorihisa's support."

"You'll be fine." Tenma told the teal eyed Hachiyo.

"Don't think about it so much." Akane said; they all knew of Tomomasa's fear of embarrassing himself by falling.

"I've played this out in my mind for days and it always ends up with me falling on my face, Okami laughing."

"Aniue would never laugh at you, Tomomasa-dono. He knows how you have struggled; he would most likely come to your aid." Eisen informed the group.

"It is as Eisen-sama says, Tomomasa-dono. If you should fall, we will all be there to help you." The tall samurai promised him.

"Everything will be fine, ne?" Akane smiled at the chukoshi.

"Hai, arigatou, Akane-dono, minna."

A few minutes later, a courtier came to say they would be announced and to follow him. Tomomasa stood under the watchful eyes of his friends. When he turned, hands moved to brace him, "I will be fine," he reassured them. He used the cane to brace his steps and began his entrance into the chamber.

"Remember, one step at a time." Takamichi said as his friend passed him. He smiled and rested his face against the hand that came up to cup his cheek.

"Tachibana no Tomomasa Shoushou-dono, Okami." Tomomasa crossed the room, without assistance and knelt before the king. His friends following, smiling at the general's victory in his battle.

FIN


End file.
